The other night, I was sweeping the kitchen floor wondering how many crumbs one child can make from a grilled cheese sandwich. Did he even get any in his mouth? But just as quick as I had that thought, God told me, "You know, those crumbs won't be there forever." I stood corrected. He is right. My kids won't always be little forever. One day I'm going to look up and there won't be crumbs on my floor, but my boys will be bigger. I am really cherishing my middle of the night feedings with Jaxon knowing this very well could be my last baby. Today I'm also very thankful for those bread crumbs on the floor.
Here's the update on my friend, Juilan. Please pray for his mom, Mimi, and his family. I cannot imagine what they are going through.
267 January 19, 2008 at 06:55 PM CST
Time of Death ,11:22am ... Never thought I would ever hear these words about my 4 1/2 year old son. But this morning , those words got engraved in my mind and my heart forever.
Julian fought until the last painful breath. Again NOTHING peaceful about this process until , until he stopped gasping for air.
Julian looked like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to fill those lungs ,but nothing. You could see the normal breathing motions his body made, but nothing got past his throat.Finally he stopped fighting.
When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Ken . He stood on one side of the bed and i was on there with Julian . We talked him thru his transition . We told him it would be ok . We told him we were proud of him . I told him to say Hi to Jesus for me. I told him that Cody and Jacob were waiting for him . I told him that we would be ok . I told him he wouldnt hurt anymore. I told him good night. I told him I loved him . I told him to play and run . The nurse took his shirt off and told us to touch him , that he could feel us and we needed to feel him . I put my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down . Then I could not feel it anymore. I heard his first heartbeat and felt his last one .
I was texting Debra right before , texted her Julian was gone, she called and got in her car and came.
I got Mamie, she told Ju bye.And Papy.
We got the boys and told them . Sam asked if we were sure he was gone. Then he said it was wierd because he didnt feel like crying . Then he asked to hold him . I needed to clean and dress Ju first .
Debra got here, helped me a little, cried a lot... They are not supposed to get attached,how can you not get attached to Ju?
I held Julian . Debra gave him a bed bath , as she had been doing for the past few weeks, put lotion all over him , loved and kissed on him . 1 month ago , she didnt even know him , now she is grieving just as we are . That is what Julian is all about . LOVE, unconditional love... He touched Debra, she touched my heart...
Ken , Debra, Mamie, Sam , Gma and I held Julian. Maybe others did , I am not sure.
Dana and Jessi came.Pastor Kevin and Vicki, Zach and Sam.Diane came by, Pastor Blair and Pat. Vickie and Gerald. Nanny.
It is now 6 something pm. Dana and her family are still here with us . I love those guys! Thank you ...
Funeral home men came to get him this afternoon. Ken carried him to the van , with his blankie (his Christmas blankie he would share with every one) one of his mimis and one of his dinosaurs.
We dont know any details on viewing and funeral yet. We will let you know, just make sure you have your YELLOW SHIRTS HANDY !!!!
FLY HIGH MUNCHKIN ... I love you all the way to China, you are the best ,you know that? I love your smell too baby...
Your mama, your little mama ...
Here's her post for yesterday:
I was just going to post "Fly high" , then the arrangements, but that wouldn't be personal, therefore it wouldn't be me...
Last night was , well, was not the best... I couldn't fall asleep , I didn't want to fall asleep , that meant letting go ... Letting go of the last moments we had with him, as aweful as they were .
When I crawled into bed, Ken had already gone to sleep. I held on to Julian's nemo pillow we used for his legs for the past few weeks. It smelled like him. Smell is everything to Julian as you all know...It is to me.
This morning we went to Church.So much love, so much support, so many tears for my little man. My church family is everything i needed...
This afternoon, lots of emotions, decisions to make at the funeral home. Most of it was already done though... The man there cried. He knew ,just as we do, that burrying a child should NEVER happen...
We came home,dinner was brought, ate ,hung out...
A few people came by today, The Hardistys, Of course Dana ,Zach and family, Vicki with the boys to pick up a puppy, Annette and Chance, Cindy Q. , Patty , Sandra and their girls, Linda, Cindy A. , Gpa and Gma, Garry and Peggy, and last but not least our new family members Debra and Zach, (we love you guys!! )Of course my big mama has moved in again...
Now, Mamie, Teresa and I are watching Ju's life video and a few others, on our TV . It feels so good to hear his voice, yet it hurts so deep...
The arragements go as follow...
Viewing wednesday 23rd from 6 to 8pm at our Church . Funeral service at 11am ,also at our Church, We will then release hundreds of yellow balloons, after Jacob's prayer gets read(wish you were here ,lil man) Then we will have some stuff to munch on in the fellowship hall... at 1.30pm we will have the grave site gathering...
Our Church is at 1600 N. Old Decatur rd Saginaw tx 76179
( MAP IT !! )
We would like for people to wear yellow shirts... If you dont mind please do not send flowers, but rather donate $$$ to Cook Children's in Fort worth (www.cookchildrens.org) or to Make A Wish fundation ( http://www.wish.org/ )
For anything else (cards you want to send ) here is the address again,
Avery Family
111 aviator dr
Fort Worth,Tx 76179
Let me know if I forgot anything...
Oh and by the way, how amazing are you guys!!! more than 500 messages were left on here since yesterday ...(if you wonder if I have read them all , NO... Not yet...)
one more thing KEEP THE CANDLES BURNING FOR OUR LIL KING !!!
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=JuJu
391 candles from 14 countries....
here is the poem...
Fly high…
Fly high, lil man,
The sun and you are one.
You won’t ever be cold again,
I will always keep my eyes to the skies…
Today, the sunshine was a little warmer,
Tonight, the Milky Way a little brighter.
I feel your hand in mine and your face on my chest.
I feel you looking up at me,
Begging for a kiss.
“Just one more kiss, Mama…
One more dinosaur kiss,
Because I really like you “
Come closer baby, It is ok now,
You are done fighting ,
You are done hurting.
Give me one more smile,
One more silly face,
And one more hug…
You can go, now,you can go,
The boys will be fine,
Daddy and I will love on them for you…
My heart is shattered, baby,
But so much bigger,so full of love…
I will miss you forever…
So for now, Fly high, lil man…
With your brand new wings,
Fly high, all the way to Heaven…
Good night, sweet pea, sleep tight,
Your mama, the lil one…
(1-20-08)
Update on my camera: I went to church yesterday believing that it was going to be sitting there on the bleachers knowing it would be a miracle if it survived 3 basketball games. It wasn't there. I'm not sure what to do -- buy a new one or just hold out waiting for that miracle? It's just upsetting because there were so many pictures that I could have captured this week. . . if only I had my camera.
6 comments:
Man, I wanted so much more for them. I'm so sorry it was so painful up until the very end. I had been getting updates, but they're on Elliott's computer, so I didn't know he was gone. Whenever I thought about him, I would just pray. I wanted him to just climb out of bed, go outside and start playing.
I'm thankful he's not hurting anymore.
oh, by the way, I read the post where she talked about having a slumber party in the living room with all your kids. Just laying together in a pile and watching movies and falling to sleep together and I told Elliott about it and he wants to do that.
Last night I checked out the Because I Said So blog and saw this same post. I was so upset. I thought of that boy often and prayed for him several times. At Christmas time I was really hoping for a "Christmas Miracle" for Miles. One day I was holding Miles and I thought about Julian. As I was praying for the both of them I wondered if I could give up Miles' Christmas miracle for Julian. I thought about it long as I sat there.
I don't really think that God only has power to give out one miracle a year, but it was more of a sacrifice thing. If I had the power to heal one of the boys right away which one would I choose?
I looked at Miles and gave him a kiss on the cheek and told the Lord that I would want Him to pick Julian.
When he made it after Christmas and then even longer than that I was hoping that he would just continue to get better and better.
Last night when I read that he had died I just sat and cried.
Those kinds of things are too hard to figure out. I don't know how to process Julian's death, Miles' healing and Sharon's death. I have to believe that the Lord is good and I know he is, but his word says he's a healer.
That was very painful. But very true. I have one out of my house. I don't even feel old enough. Weird, huh?
I almost want to go to the funeral. It's so weird how I feel like I know them just from youtube videos and blogs. Sitting here, just crying, wondering if I could ever endure something like that. God, bring them peace and comfort.
I got the upddate Sunday morning before church and it broke my heart. I've also entertained the idea of going to the funeral . . . it's not going to work, but my heart breaks for them. I've been following 2 more kids and I'm wondering if I can handle following their stories.
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