November 15th

Today's date . . . For some, it's one week until company arrives for Thanksgiving!! For some, today is payday!! For some, today is just Wednesday! For some, today is the day we get to play Deal or No Deal!! For some, it's an anniversary! For me, it's a birthday.

Not my birthday, not my husband's birthday, not Payton's and not Evan's birthday. It's the son that I gave up for adoption 12 years ago -- his birthday. 12 years. My goodness!! 12 years!! It seems like it was just yesterday (or maybe last week), but 12 years ago!!

I've been in some kind of "funk" lately and I couldn't really figure out why. I am living in my dream house, have an awesome husband, awesome kiddos, awesome church, etc. As I looked around me, I couldn't figure it out. Today I think I put my finger on it.

I think about him every year on his birthday (and many, many other days of the year), but why is this year different? Why does it seem to hurt more this year? Why do I feel all of those emotions that I felt 12 years ago? Why do I grieve so?

He's living in the perfect home with an awesome life. He has awesome parents and I know he is an awesome athelete. I do get to see him occassionally and he's mighty handsome!!

Today at intercessory prayer, I asked them to pray for me because I have been having chest pains (like a stick through my chest and out my back) and have been really light-headed. It hasn't scared me -- like I'm not afraid that I'm going to have a heart attack or anything. It isn't scary. . . just annoying. As they prayed for me, one of the intercessors said that she thought this was a physical manifestation of a spiritual matter. Another lady said she felt like I had a wound that I had covered up and I wouldn't let anyone near it. Kind of like when your child hurts themselves and all you want to do is clean it and make it better -- get out the infection, but they won't move their hand. It will heal, but there could still be junk in there. She said that she felt like there was a wound that I wouldn't let anyone get close to because it hurt too bad. I was holding my hand over the wound telling God to get away because it was too painful to heal.

She is right on and it didn't hit me until then. As I'm sitting here writing this, my chest is hurting. Is it because I miss him so? Is it because I'm finally grieving the "loss"? Is it because I'm finally taking my hand off of the wound to let God heal it?

I'm mad because somewhere in our million and one moves, I've lost a box that had stuff in it about him. It had a picture of him when he was just a few days old. It had letters from friends of the time. I had pictures of me in it when I was 17. I had pictures of his dad and us together. I had hoped that one day I would be able to show them to him -- prove that I did love him. Now, the box is missing. I haven't seen it for a few years now. I'm not sure where it went, but I hate that I don't have it now.

So, God, I'm taking my hand off now -- very slowly, but I trust you. I have to. Let the real healing and cleansing begin. Most of the time, I want things to be painless and that would be great, but I have a feeling this is going to take some pain to get the junk out. But, God, I'm trusting you with this. I just have to know you haven't left me and that you're going to finish this work you've started in me. Make me stronger in this! Let me be able to use this to Your glory!! Let me go through so I can be the whole me on the other side of this. I want to be the woman that you've created me to be. I want to be the children's pastor you've created me to be. I want to be whole -- like you've created me to be.

Happy birthday, J.